LDS Mission, Mormon, Prayer, Spiritual

My first BOM

Date of this event: July 16, 2011

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27


Serving as a missionary at a visitor center, in many ways, is very different than serving in the field. For example… we don’t teach lessons the same way a missionary in the field would. The visitor center in Mexico City only has 12 sister missionaries, and most days we get anywhere from 400 to 1,000 visitors. Because of this, our “tours” can only be 15 minutes long. That’s all we get, 15 minutes. Most of the time, we are the first contact investigators have with the church.


I guess you can say our main purpose is to introduce investigators to the message we share with the world; the restoration, and interest them in learning more about it. Our goal is to get their contact information and have them accept the missionary lessons in their home.


Because of this, we rarely hand out Books of Mormon. It’s just not something that happens often in the Visitor Center. We’re not encouraged to do it. Quite the opposite, when they ask for one, we tell them that two representatives of the church can deliver a free copy to their homes and ask if they would be interested in that.


But there are always exceptions to this rule. We recognize those exceptions when we come across them, and I finally came across one this Saturday J


Today I gave my first Book of Mormon. The recipient was a beloved daughter of God, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth entered the Visitor Center, not knowing where she was. She walked in with a very heavy heart and much sadness in her eyes.
As I approached her, I immediately felt she needed something special. And without even speaking with her, I felt in my heart she was a “chosen” one.


As we began talking, I could see how much she was struggling to hold back the tears that wanted to spill from her eyes and I wondered what this young woman could be experiencing that could have her so defeated.


I invited her to take a tour and see a video, but she declined both, explaining all she wanted was to just sit and contemplate upon the Christus statue.

I asked her what she was searching for and like so many others whom I’ve had the opportunity to talk with, she answered; I’m looking for peace and comfort. She asked if there was someone here who could give her a counseling session and I replied that I or any of the missionaries here could say things that would make her feel better for a while, but that would be like the parable of the fish;


Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.


I told her that here she could find everything she needed to learn to feed herself and get that peace and comfort she so desperately wanted to find … and not just for one day, but for the rest of the days of her life.

I asked her what she was feeling and she said she felt as though she wanted to scream. She said to me, I want to scream and tell my Heavenly Father I just can’t take it anymore… the load is just too heavy… I just want to put all my sorrows at his feet… I want to change.

At that moment a group came in to listen to the message that is shared in front of the Christus statue… As we joined the group all I could do was pray to my Heavenly Father to allow Elizabeth to feel his love for her and to feel the Holy Spirit testify to her that she truly was in a place of God … and above all, I prayed FERVENTLY for Him to help me know what to say, what to do and how to help His daughter Elizabeth.

After the recording I somehow managed to convince Elizabeth to watch a movie. So we did. We saw the movie Finding Faith in Christ. After the movie we had a beautiful conversation. We talked about how she too could develop her own faith in Christ and how I knew that Jesus and God really did know who she was and what was she was feeling and enduring. I testified that the Atonement had been done for her as well.

Then I remembered that as a missionary I had been called to not only preach repentance and to testify of Jesus Christ, but also to testify of the restored Gospel.
So that’s what I did. We read the introduction to the Book of Mormon and I asked Elizabeth, what do you want? And she answered; I want to meet my Savior.

I asked her if she would like a Book of Mormon. She answered yes. I asked her; Elizabeth, if I give you a Book of Mormon will you read it? Again she said yes. Finally I ask her; Elizabeth, Will you read, meditate and pray to know if these things are true? At that moment, she raised her eyes, looked straight at me and said, Sister, I’ll read it. I’ll medítate about it, and I’ll pray about. I promise.

Decision Making, LDS Mission, Personal Revelation, Spiritual

Special Changes

On Tuesday we had our weekly district meeting. It was AMAZING! The district leaders did SUCH a good job, I was so proud of them. I walked out of that reunion totally edified and motivated and with plenty of FUEGO EN LOS HUESOS!Mexico City East Mission inside joke. Google translate it if you like :)

The downside of that meeting? I was informed that I had to report to the Mexico City Visitor Center on Thursday at noon. At first I really thought the district leader was pulling my leg (he’s quite the prankster)… but it was no joke. He was totally serious. I was like WHAT? My first thought was, Oh my goodness, is my visa FINALLY here? But, after calling the president we found out it wasn’t that. A sister missionary had to go home due to health problems and special changes were taking place.

My second thought was, But why me!? I just got here!

I had only been in the field for two weeks! I was just getting the hang of it! Were they really gonna take me away form my “mom” after TWO measly weeks!?! But the biggest bummer of them all was; three of our investigators were getting baptized that very weekend! My very first baptisms, and I was gonna miss them? No way!

Let me tell you, there were cloudy skies in me that day.

But then I read a very special scripture that reminded me that God works and speaks through his prophets. And just like my calling to serve as a missionary came from the prophet, so did my mission president’s calling come from him as well. Which meant he was called by God to preside over this mission and to direct the missionary work in this area. And if he felt I had to leave beautiful Tecamac and go serve in the Mexico City temple Visitor center… then that was an inspired decision.

It still wasn’t easy. But I was determined to have a cheerful heart.

I came to the VisitorCenterand it was SO different from being out on the Field. I couldn’t really find where I fit in with all the other sisters and I could feel my moral slowly decreasing. But on Saturday things started to turn around. And on Sunday things really shifted for me and I know it was thanks to my Heavenly Father. 

Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.
I had a wonderful personal study Sunday morning. I prayed to know what to study and I was truly guided by the spirit. I felt I should read in Nephi, and I opened up to chapter 16 where it tells the story about when Nephi’s bow breaks and how his whole family begins to murmur and complain and ask WHY were they being put under such circumstances. And it hit me that instead of being like Nephi, and having faith in the Lord and his ways, I was being like Nephi’s family… complaining and murmuring and asking WHY this and Why that. 
All I could think was… how dumb of his family. How could they only focus on the “bad” and not see that they were so blessed by the Lord! They were on this marvelous ADVENTURE! It was an adventure like no other, filled with miracles and blessings… they saw angels, heard the Lord’s voice… they even had a magic compass! And I realized that I am on a marvelous adventure as well. And my adventure is also taking me into uncharted territory, places I never thought I would go! And it’s also filled with miracles and blessings… and I too have a magic compass! The Book of Mormon! :)
I know that the Lord allowed Nephi’s Bow to break because he had something to teach him and his family. And in that same way, I know I am here for that same reason… because I have something to learn. And on Saturday, as we welcomed over 600 people to the Visitor center, and gave more tours than I can recall… as I had the opportunity to work alongside the other sisters, I realized that I have so much to learn from them. And I’m very VERY happy to be here!

Did I mention I live right next to the temple now?

How awesome is that?

Father-Daughter relationship, LDS Mission, Prayer, Pre-mission activities, Service, Spiritual

MTC Mexico City: Week 1

The last 5 days before entering the MTC (Missionary Training Center) went by in a crazy flash. As I look back now, all I can remember is a blur of shopping trips, to-do lists, emails, phone calls and packing.

But somehow, someway, by the time Tuesday night rolled around, everything was done and I was ready to go. How I managed, who knows. But I sure was happy :)

My flight to Mexico City left early Wednesday morning. I had to be at the airport at 6am the latest, which meant I had to wake up around 5am. SO not fun :( Especially after having gone to sleep at 1:00 AM the night before. Esssh!

The final farewell between Papushka and I left us both a bit teary eyed… you’d think we’d be pro’s at the whole airport farewell thing, but no, some things you never get used to I guess. Nevertheless, I could feel we were both happy for everything that was to come and we both knew that the next 18 months would go by in a flash!

My first day at the MTC was not only an eye opener but a very humbling experience. I remember sitting in my first class and listening to one of my instructors –a recent RM (returned missionary) — quote scriptures and talk doctrine like it was nobody’s business! It seemed like it all came too naturally to him that if he had told me he had been born with all that knowledge I probably would have believed him.

He seemed to know so much and all I could think was, “oh my goodness! What have I gotten myself into?” It felt like information was flying at me at 100 mph from every direction… and I was actually being expected to register it all.

I was overcome with the strangest feeling. I had always been more than comfortable with my knowledge of the gospel yet here I was, feeling like I knew nothing at all.

Needless to say, I went to bed that night feeling restless, anxious, scared, frustrated, and so much more. I knelt down on the floor and offered what must have been one of the most heartfelt and sincere prayers of my life. I told my heavenly father exactly how I felt and I asked him to help me. I said, “Father, you know I have a desire to serve you. You know I want to be useful in your hands… and I am WILLING… help me. Prepare me. Provide the way”

The next morning, even though I slept EXTREMELY poorly… waking up every 45 minutes and having crazy dreams all night, I woke up feeling refreshed and happy in a way I could not explain even if I tried.

A few hours later, during my personal scripture study, my prayer was answered. As I read the following scripture, I felt how my Heavenly Father was speaking directly to my heart and how my testimony of the gospel was being reaffirmed. He really is there. He really does listen. And He really does bring comfort when we most need it and lightens our burden.

John 14: 26 – 27

One of the most important things I’ve learned this first week at the MTC is that if you TRULY have a desire to serve the Lord, then you TRULY are called to the work… His work (D&C 4:3), and those that the Lord calls, he qualifies!

Before coming out to the mish, I knew I would face trials and difficulties, but to be perfectly honest, I think I mostly focused on how amazing this experience would be. The best two years and all (or 18 months in my case). I don’t think I ever gave much thought to how having an amazing experience during this time would come free. It would come at a cost. And that cost would be LOTS AND LOTS OF HARD WORK!

I can’t believe how tired I am. Honestly. I’m tired like 80% of the day… I really can’t emphasize enough HOW tired I am… it’s unreal… but I HONESTLY have NEVER been happier in my life. I can’t stop smiling :D

I wish I could write more but time is SOOOO short! So, very quickly before I go;

1. My companion is amazing! She is from Puerto Rico and although we are quite different in character I feel like we make a great team. Her name is Sister Aldana and she waited even LONGER than me to come on the mish. She waited a whopping 8 months! She served a 3 month mini mission and was then in the mission field for a whole month as a set apart missionary while she waited for her visa. She knows so much and I feel so blessed to have gotten her as my comp. She teaches me new things every day!

2. I was called as sister coordinator for all the sisters at the MTC. Can you say PRETTY BIG RESPONSIBILITY right off the bat? I’m realizing VERY fast that leadership positions require lots of hard work, empathy, love, and service. Did I mention lots of time in meetings? I’m not sure why, but I feel like my comp and I are always running around EVERYWHERE. Nevertheless, I feel truly blessed to have been given this opportunity to serve and to grow and to learn. My heavenly Father must think I’m up to the challenge… so, I guess I just gotta roll with it :)

3. I love it here. The MTC is all that and a bag of chips. The people I am meeting here are amazing! The instructors are amazing. Did I mention I SERIOUSLY cannot stop smiling???? :D :D :D

Emotions, Random Moments, Rantings, Self improvement, Spiritual


“Difficulties show men what they are. In case of any difficulty remember that God has pitted you against a rough antagonist that you may be a conqueror, and this cannot be without toil.”

~ Epictetus (Greek philosopher)

I’ve always believed that when God puts an obstacle in front of us, be it a temptation, a difficult decision, or a trial, he does it because he knows we are capable of overcoming and being victorious. As the loving father he is, he would never put us up against something we are not prepared or equipped to overcome.

I think he often uses these trials to push us, not so that he can see where our limits stand, but so that we can see how much we are actually capable of handling.

I’ve also always thought that when trying times abide in our lives, it’s because he is trying to make us stronger. And well, he usually needs to make us stronger because he knows we will need to draw upon that strength in the future. I don’t know, but maybe trials are his way of preparing us for what’s to come.

I think it’s the same principle as when we build muscle in our bodies. First it’s painful because in order to build up our muscle mass, we must first tear apart the very fibers and tissues holding it together. We all know the phrase… no pain, no gain.

But when God is trying you and pushing you in pretty much every aspect, it sorta makes you wonder what he’s trying to prepare you for. Why the sudden spike in the building of spiritual muscle? Makes you wonder what sort of trials are to come. At least in my case.

Yesterday was a pretty tough day. And for a good part of the day I was so ready to throw in the towel. I kept wondering why my life could never just be simple. I felt angry that I was being pushed so hard. I didn’t want to be pushed anymore. I wanted someone to cut me a break. At that moment, I wasn’t interested in finding out how much I could take before I finally caved.

Then as I sat on a bench, in the middle of Mexico city, with tears running down my cheeks and my head in my hands… the most random thought popped into my head. It was a name. Helen Keller.

And then I thought that all good stories, especially life stories, always have a good plot, an abundance of opposition and plenty of ups and downs. That’s what makes them interesting, after all. They keep us hooked, waiting to see what happens next. And I guess that’s what makes them worth repeating, retelling and passing them down… that’s what makes them memorable.

My dad once told me that it’s easy to love those that deserve to be loved, the people who inspire love in us, the kind that deserve it, that welcome it and that return it. But what do we learn from that? When God commanded us to Love one another, I’m sure he had in mind that we love everyone, but especially those that don’t make us loving them any easy. Loving those that don;t inspire love in us, that’s the real test.

I think it’s the same with being the person you want to be. It’s easy to be that person when life is light shade of pink. The real question is, can you still be the person you want to be, the person you know you can be, when life isn’t going the way you would like it to go? Can you still smile? And keep the faith? And be patient? And put your shoulder to the wheel?

I think it’s during these times that our true character come forth. But it’s also in times like these when we decide what character we want to have. And it’s at time like these when we can start developing that character, in case we realize we haven’t already.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired,
and success achieved.

~ Helen Keller

Emotions, LDS Mission, Mormon, Pre-mission activities, Spiritual


“If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done.”
~ John Lubbock

This morning I spent some time on the phone with the LDS lawyer who was assigned to my case by church headquarters in SLC. We were able to finally go online, fill out the application, pay the fee, and make an appointment at the embassy. I’ll be trying for my visa one last time tomorrow morning at 9 am.

As we were talking about the application process, he mentioned that he had just received word that the two other missionaries he had been helping had been granted their visas to the UK. However, he told me that they had been expecting a letter of refusal, same as me, because both of those missionaries had used the exact same Sponsorship letter I had used in my application. And since mine had been denied, they expected theirs to be denied as well.

But they weren’t. Only mine.

While I was told that my sponsorship letter did not fulfill all the requirements, they were told to come pick up their tier 5 visas any day of the week between 10 and 11 am.

When I got off the phone I kept thinking about what he had said. And wondered why they had lucked out while I had not. I thought perhaps I had drawn the short straw and gotten my application reviewed by someone very strict or mean or who was not partial to the LDS church. Maybe the other two missionaries got lucky with a nice person. Maybe Heavenly Father needed them on the mission field right away. Maybe… maybe… maybe. The possibilities are endless.

There was no way of knowing why things played out the way they did. All I could do now was stay optimistic. The words, have faith Kitzia kept playing in my head like a broken record. But no matter how much reminded I myself of that, a small voice kept sneaking in saying, if it was meant to be, then why so much opposition?

I don’t have an answer to that yet.

I do know that I’ve never doubted the confirmation I received last year regarding whether to serve a mission or not. But in the months following, especially the most recent ones, I have wondered whether I missed an update somewhere along the way? Did my Heavenly Father say, okay, thanks for being obedient but I was just testing you. No need to serve a Misison? And did I simply not hear it because I was so focused on getting out there? So excited about being a missionary?

I hope not. But I suppose it’s possible.

I’ve spent so much time and energy on this endeavor and invested so much of myself in this… that I cannot say I would not be absolutely devastated if things did not work out.

But then I’m reminded of the quote by John Lubbock, and I have the comfort of knowing I did everything in my power and tried my very hardest to be obedient and do what I thought was right. That leaves no place for regrets. Only for graciously accepting the Lord’s will. It only leaves room for trust… trust that I’ll somehow, someway end up being exactly where I’m suppose to be.

Decision Making, Mormon, Personal Revelation, Prayer, Spiritual

There is always a reason.

The peace that comes from the Spirit is often more
recognizable when it comes in juxtaposition to a
period of struggle and uncertainty. Perhaps the
work and struggle on our part to study and ponder
before receiving an answer is necessary because it
makes the difference between our feelings of
uncertainty and the feelings of peace offered by the
Spirit distinct enough to be recognizable.

Receiving and Recognizing the Holy Ghost
James P. Porter
22 March 2011

As I have mentioned before, I’ve recently found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. In an effort to ensure I don’t allow these days to drift by in an aimless manner, I decided to jot down a list of activities I want to engage in on a daily basis. You know… to make sure I don’t wake up one day and realize the only thing I’ve done for the past week is watch episodes of House :P

One of the activities on my To-do list is aimed at keeping up my spirituality by listening to a General Conference talk, CES fireside or BYU devotional on a daily basis.

I especially enjoy listening to the “New BYU talks” podcast on iTunes, not only because they’re each only about 30 minutes long, but because they offer an extremely wide range of topics to choose from and are always aimed at YSAs (Young Single Adults).

The amazing quote mentioned above was taken from a BYU devotional I downloaded from this podcast. I seriously recommend it to anyone and everyone, regardless of age and life situation. If you don’t want to Podcast it, you can also download the PDF file here.

Do it! It’s awesome :)

This talk is honestly one of the greatest ones I’ve ever heard on this topic. Which in my opinion, is a topic we could always use a little more edification on. The whole talk was incredible, but I especially liked the aforementioned quote because it really hit home.

As soon as I heard him say those words, I though, I know exactly what he’s referring to. It was one of those “been there, done that” moments. The only difference was that I had never thought of it in the same context as he was presenting it.

I remember how hard my Senior year of college had been. It had definitely been a period of struggle and uncertainty, to say the least. And it didn’t make it any easier that no matter how much I prayed, pondered and studied the problem out in my head… I simply did not receive the answer I was so desperately looking for. Actually… I didn’t receive an answer period! Not even the slightest hint of one.

All I could do was tell myself to hold on, have faith, and trust that if the answers weren’t coming, it was because I wasn’t ready. Or because I was meant to figure this one out on my own.

But Elder Porter, with these couple of sentences, shone a different light on that period of time. I never once considered the possibility that this time of “radio silence” was necessary for me to be able to fully hear the quiet prompting of the spirit when they finally did come.

And now, it makes total sense. Our Heavenly Father is eternally wise. I can see why he chose to play things out the way he did. I look back and can accept that, had I received the prompting to serve a mission when I first began inquiring of the Lord what to do with my life, I wouldn’t have listened. I would have rationalized what I was feeling and would have definitely brushed it off as anything other than what it actually would have been: my answer.

Once again, there is no doubt in my mind that he always knows what he is doing <3 And thank goodness for that, because I definitely cannot say the same about me.

Decision Making, LDS Mission, Mormon, Personal Revelation, Prayer, Spiritual

The Call

There are things about our childhood that we never forget, even if we try. For me, the thing I remember most is the way my father would call for me. When I was very little I realized that, while other parents would call out their child’s name to get their attention, my father would instead whistle a unique melody. (I’m a terrible whistler, but it went something like this….)

As a little girl this was quite embarrassing. When it was time to come home after an afternoon of playing outside, my dad would stick his head out the kitchen window and whistle, very loudly, to let me know it was time to come home. I would run indoors and angrily ask,

Why don’t you call for me like a normal parent? Don’t you know people only whistle to cats and dogs? I’m not a pet. I’m your daughter.

He would then look at me and say,

Kitzia, my call is unique. When you hear it, you know you are to stop whatever you are doing, leave whoever you are with, and answer my call. You may think my whistle is silly, but because of it’s uniqueness, You will never confuse my call for another’s and you will never question your duty to answer.

Over the next few years, my father literally hardwired this into me.

The last summer I spent in California before moving abroad, dad and I were invited to a friend’s beach party. That night, while the adults sat around the fire talking, the youth decided to play a game of American football. After a few minutes of throwing around the ball they decided it would be more fun to “go for a walk” which was code for, go where there was no adult supervision. As the crowd began moving away I hesitated, not sure of what was the right thing to do… this wasn’t exactly what you would call a group of righteous teenagers… but I was young, and they were older and cooler, and as I turned my back to follow the crowd… I heard it. Crystal clear. The whistle.

I stood there for a few seconds unsure of what to do. I couldn’t see my father from where I was standing. I could only make out dark shadows against the flames of the fire, yet I had the distinct feeling that, though I could not see him, he could definitely see me. A few thoughts crossed my mind. Maybe I could pretend I hadn’t hear anything. Nevertheless, before I had too much time to think, I did what I had been hardwired to do. I stopped what I was doing. I left who I was with, and I answered the call.

That night, as we drove home, my dad turned to me and asked,

Do you know how wild horses are trained?

I had no clue.

They must first be broken. Not in spirit, but in will. The horse’s will needs to be made subject to the master’s will. To test whether the horse will follow its master or not, it is put under a most arduous test.

He is taken outside and tied to a post or a tree and he is made to thirst and hunger for a period of time. Then he is set loose. Food is placed on one side of him, and on the opposite side, his master will stand. As the horse begins making his way towards the object of his desire, the food and the drink, his master will call, and the horse must choose between the two.

Tonight you were set loose and like the horse you found yourself in the middle. The choice wasn’t between food and your master, it was a little more meaningful than that. On one side stood something that appealed to you, but which you knew, deep down inside, was not for you. And on the other side stood the safety of listening to your father’s counsel, and to the still small voice which said, “do not follow”

I’ll never forget the look in his eyes that night. It was the look of a proud father.

I left home a few weeks after that and it wasn’t until years later that I began to fully comprehend the magnitude and depth of the lesson my father had tried to teach me that night. I understand it now… and that lesson is what I would like to share with you today. It also happens to be the answer to how I decided to serve a full-time mission.

It’s quite simple, actually. As far back as I can remember, my father worked very hard to give me a very special gift. This gift was of having trained ears. Ears that would know how to listen and recognize the master’s call. Mathew chapter 11 verse 15 says,

He that has ears to hear, let him hear.

I thought long and hard on how to describe what it was like for me… deciding to put my life aside for 18 months and become a full-time missionary. You see, I was never one of those people who’s always known, “I’m going to serve a mission one day!”. In fact… 6 months ago, had you told me I would now be preparing to serve a mission, I probably would have laughed at you. Yet here I am.

As I thought about this, the lyrics to one of my favorite songs come to my mind. I’d like to share it with you because I feel it describes the last 6 months of my life very accurately. Ironically, the song is titled “the Call” by Regina Spektor and it goes a little like this:

It started out as a feeling,
Which then turned into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought,
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry.

Deciding to go on a mission was not an easy thing for me. I had an especially hard time accepting His timing. I did not understand why he was asking this of me now, especially when I had just taken the decision to finally return home to be with my family for a time.

I had a job lined up. A really good job. I was planning on applying for a graduate program at BYU. I had plans. I had things I wanted to do…and a mission wasn’t part of those plans. And of course, I also had fears. Lots of them. But it seemed like the harder I tried to push the mission thoughts out of my mind, the louder and louder those thoughts became. I had no other choice than to ask, with a sincere heart, if a mission was what the lord wanted for me.

And He answered. Of course.

And I knew what I felt was from God. And I knew that he knew that I knew. There was no going back at this point. I knew it was true for it burned within my heart… and then the fear left. Two things then came into my mind. First, one of my favorite scriptures, which over the years has turned into my life motto. It can be found in Proverbs chapter 3, verse 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

The second was a quote I’d once heard at a fireside. A ship is safe in Harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. I thought about all the people in the scriptures who had to leave the security and comfort of their safe harbors, put aside their own personal desires and plans in order to accept a unique call handed to them by the Lord.

I realized then and there that, however nice it would be to go ahead with the plans that I had made for myself, it was not the right thing to do. Had I done that, I would have not only put aside my father’s teachings, both earthly and Heavenly, but I would have only be leaning unto my own understanding.

I believe with all my heart that my Father in heaven has something else planned for me. Apparently, he has other oceans he wants me to navigate. And I’m more than okay with that because in the end, things tend to go much better when I let him direct my paths. And if that path leads to the England, London South Mission, then so be it! I’ll gladly follow.

And with all that said, I’d like to leave you with one final thought; the lyrics of the first verse of one of my very favorite hymns,

It may not be on the mountain’s height
Or over the stormy sea,
It may not be at the battle’s front
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice
He calls to paths I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go.

Emotions, Lyrics that speak what I feel, Mormon, Spiritual

Here to be

Precious life, every breath is measured by the captain of my soul.

Precious time, every moment fragile, too brief for me to hold.

Giver of life, teacher of truth, what would you have me be?

Oh my creator, help me to shine the light you put in me,

help me see what you sent me here to be.

Precious day, every second measured by the keeper of my heart.

Fleeing days, every season passes, as it fades into the dawn

father of light, maker of peace, what would you have me speak?

Oh my creator, help me to find the light that breathes in me.

Set it free, what you sent me here to be.

Master of mine, Shepherd divine, I’ll follow where you lead

Oh my creator help me to shine the light you put in me

turn the key, set it free, help me see,

what you sent me here to be.

Family, Spiritual, Winter 09 vacation: Mexico

You reap what you sow

The last few days I spent in Acapulco went by in a flash. It seemed the closer I got to my date of departure, the faster the days went. In the end, I was left with a bittersweet taste in my mouth. Being able to spend four weeks with my mom and my brothers, after not having seen them in two long years, was absolutely great. However, the reason I had traveled thousands of miles to be with them and the hope I had traveled there with, in many ways had now become lost, or at least put aside for the time being.

Going there, I had one purpose; to strengthen my mom spiritually and to bring her and her family closer to their heavenly father. I wanted to help her return to full activity. I wanted to show her the way, and to be an example to her. Someone she could lean on for help, someone who would be there to answer her questions and guide her back. The thing is, I never imagined just how daunting a task that would be.

Honestly, I cant remember a time when I bore my testimony, or prayed for help, more than I have these past 4 weeks. I almost felt like a full time missionary. And like such, I felt the pain of seeing someone you are teaching rationalize the promptings of the spirit and harden their hearts  in such a way that the Lord cannot reach them. I also learned that no matter what you say, if someone is not willing to change, the words you speak will simply fall on deaf ears.

Before leaving Sweden I received a priesthood blessing. In this blessing I was given a promise that I would be guided by the lord so that I could be a light unto those around me.Things in Mexico didn’t go the way I would have planned them, but then again how many things happen the way we would like them to, right? My mom is still struggling to find the truth, and my little brothers still have no interest in going to church. But I’d like to think that me being there did make a difference. It was for something. And that every word I said, and everything I tried to do, was not in vain. I’d like to think I did go to guide those around me. But people don’t always choose to follow the light. And when that happens, there isn’t much we can do about it.

So I didnt get my miracle, but I did plant some seeds. Lots of them. And I watered them, at least for the time I was there. Maybe it isnt yet time for those seeds to sprout. Maybe they never will, but I’d like to think the day will come… eventually. I CAN HOPE for a the time when  the conditions will be perfect, and then those seeds will bloom. And I’ll still be there.

You see, when it comes to family, all you can do is be there. No matter what. Regardless of the choices they make, you stand behind them, patiently, and you wait and in the meanwhile, you love them to the best of your ability.

Family, Spiritual, Winter 09 vacation: Mexico

Feliz Navidad.Merry Christmas

My Christmas started pretty early. Early as in, the night before kind of early. Around 11 at night I decided to begin the preparations for the turkey I was going to prepare for our Christmas dinner. Needless to say, I think I forgot just how LONG it takes to get that turkey ready. I ended up going to bed around 2 am, only to wake up a few around later to begin getting everything ready.

My Mom, her Mother-in-law, and I spent most of the morning and afternoon in the kitchen cooking. I fixed the turkey and stuffing, my mom made the bacalao and papas al horno, and her mother-in-law, Caro, made the traditional Christmas apple salad. Everything turned out great, and even though everyone liked the turkey, I was a little disappointed. I felt like it was a lot tastier last time I made it, when I was in California. So I guess I was hoping it would improve this year and be even better than last time, but I was wrong.

Christmas was… interesting. Not really what I expected. I had been on cloud 9 the whole week. My mom is trying to come back to church and we had some pretty awesome talks throughout the week. We even had an amazing FHE that monday. I was so happy, everything seemed to be looking up and my heart was filled with hope of possibilities. I was already starting to imagine baptisms and temple trips.

Then, my mom dropped a big bucket of cold water on me. As we were chopping onion that morning she decides we somehow get into a conversation that began with my mom being worried I would never find a suitable LDS husband (she asked why I wouldn’t consider marrying outside the church) and someway it turned into a conversation about Joseph Smith and polygamy. Definitely not the type of conversation you want to get into while making sure your turkey doesn’t burn in the oven.

The more we talked, the more my heart sank as I realized my mom didn’t have a testimony on some of the most basic beliefs of our faith. I didn’t understand how that could be. I tried to explain that it was impossible to have a testimony about the truthfulness of the BOM and not have a testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith. She even told me she was doing “research” but in all the wrong places. I explained that the internet was not a reliable source of knowledge on the topic, she couldn’t base her decisions on the findings and wisdom of man… the only one who could answer her questions was her heavenly father through the power of the holy ghost.

The conversation ended with an awkward silence and she said, “well now you know what my doubts are”. I wasnt sure what to say. I wanted to somehow transfer all the knowledge I have inside me, somehow express into words how deep my testimony runs, tell her that it IS true! But as soon as those thoughts ran through my head, I realized that it wouldn’t make a difference. Everything is based on faith, and I can’t give her that. She needs to develop it on her own. And with so much doubt, where does faith fit in?

A few minutes later my dad called me. I quickly ran to my room and explained to him what had happened. I was all of a sudden overcome with a sense of not being able to do anything. I felt like I was in over my head. Like all the cards were stacked against me. There was so much to do. Not just with my mom, but with my brothers and with her husband. SO many changes to be made, so many hearts to be softened. How could I make a difference? I saw all my hopes of an eternal family quickly vanishing and I felt so helpless.

And then a new thought came to me, “where was MY faith?”.

My dad tried his best to comfort me. It helped some. He gave me some good ideas on how to explain certain things to my mom, on how to deal with certain situations, but all I felt like doing was crying. After I hung up with my dad, I layed there on my bed. Just thinking. Pondering things. Processing.

I thought back to when my dad and I had first came into contact with the church. From the second I heard the gospel, I knew it was true. I never doubted the words I heard, the things I read, or the things I felt. I have fallen short many times in my life, I have made countless mistakes, but I have never,ever doubted my faith. I have always known these things to be true. Why? Why does it come easy to some, but is so hard for others.

The moment that followed was the moment that changed my Christmas for the better. That transformed it into one of the most meaningful Christmases ever.

I don’t think I have ever been so thankful for my testimony, as I was at that moment.

On the floor below me stood a family who did not have a testimony. They were  struggling to find one. Fighting to acquire one. Below me stood people who did not know. People who did not believe when they first heard, the way I had.

My heart could not help but be overflowed with thankfulness. What a blessing I had been given to recognize the truthfulness of the gospel when I first heard it. And as hard as it seemed at that moment, to imagine a day when my family could one day say they knew too, it was a worthy endeavor.

My savior Jesus Christ remained in my thoughts the rest of the day. I thought about his mission, what he had come to do. I wondered if he had ever felt the sort of despair I had felt earlier that day. I think there were moments he did, but he pushed forward out of love. Love for his family. For all his brothers and sisters. He knew we would not all come back to the presence of our heavenly father, but he was willing to sacrifice his life so that there would be a way for those willing to try.

That evening was pretty awesome. The missionaries came over and we talked about many wonderful things pertaining to our saviour Jesus Christ. it was so nice to have these two young men in our house, I didn’t feel so alone. There were others who also wanted my family to be an eternal family. We laughed and talked about all sorts of things. The missionaries took turns speaking to their families and we got to see the huge smiles on their faces and the joy they felt from serving a mission.

We ate a wonderful meal and no one choked on my turkey, thanks goodness ;) After stuffing ourselves until we could eat no more, we sat around the table and enjoyed a very long conversation. We talked about all sorts of things, including soccer, lucha libre, banda, the trials of being a missionary, christmas movies, favorite temples, and how marvelous family truly is. And of course there were lots and lots of jokes.

Around midnight, we opened presents. Or rather, everyone but me opened presents. Even the missionaries! But not me. Being there was present enough, but even so. I felt great. I was happy not to have gotten anything. I bought my mom some nice, fancy lotions and anti-aging beauty products and she felt kind of bad, she said, honey, you shouldnt have gotten me this, You should have used this money to buy yourself something instead. And all I could do was smile. I could have, but why? Giving felt so much nicer, but what really made me smile was when I responded by saying, “mom, I already have everything I want. I don’t need anything else.”

And the truth is, I really don’t. I’ve got it all.