Three years ago my life hit a fork in the road. Cue in Robert Frost’s famous poem. Ta da! Inspiration. My fork wasn’t any old flimsy fork… it was the mother of all forks. And I knew it. I stood there, with my very own life altering decision and… pondered? No, not really. There was never a question in my mind regarding which road to take. Even though I knew the options I faced were like night and day. Even though I knew each one would take me down distinct journeys, each eventually leading to two very different destinations. The answer was always clear. There was none of that, all roads lead to Rome type of mentality. No, it was perfectly clear to me that the end of these two paths would end up being thousands and thousands of miles apart (I say that not just in a metaphorical way, but in a very literal way too). So, armed with my feminist, independent, I-can-do-anything spirit, I took a deep breath and began walking down my very own “road less taken” knowing full well I was crossing the “point of no return” with the very first step.
I was so happily enthralled in everything I was coming across on my new adventurous life path, that at first, I did not notice that my chosen road was nothing but an uphill climb. That tiny, but rather important bit of information, did eventually smack me on the side of the head. It has not left my thoughts ever since. You see, the interesting thing about uphill climbs, as compared to pleasant flat-grounded walks, is that you have no way of knowing what lies ahead. There is no as far as the eye can see. Your view is rather limited. In my case, as far as I could see was three years down the road. Turns out, when walking uphill, there just so happens to be a big, fat peak standing between you and what lies ahead. The only real option you have is to keep your head up, keep placing one foot in front of the other, and hope that by the time you reach the top of the peak, you will be prepared to meet what comes next.
So here I am. My peak draws closer every day. Graduation. And I have no idea what lies below. I say below because I am a wishful thinker. I’m hoping that what goes up, goes down. As much as I have LOVED the last 3 years of my life, they have also been filled with enormous amounts of trials and difficulties. Most of which make me wonder, does any of this happen to other 22-year-old girls? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m perfectly aware that my extenuating circumstances are a big part of what have made me the unique individual I am today. All I’m saying is that I would gladly welcome some downtime. At least for a little while. A nicely paced downhill walk would suit me well, I think. Nevertheless, I’m perfectly aware that once I reach the top of my peak, I might just encounter a bigger peak looming up ahead.
Perhaps looming might not be the correct word. It sounds so dreadful. When the time comes, I know I might be tempted to just sit there, legs cradled in my arms, and stare at my new, tall, intimidating peak for some time. But that’s okay. There is no doubt in my mind that after a short-lived holy crap! moment, I would eventually gather my wits, pick myself up, and courageously take on any new challenge that came my way. Pause. I think I’m getting distracted from the point I was trying to make. Point: it’s not what lies ahead, or what doesn’t, it’s not knowing!
Come to think about it, the last time I felt this way was 5 years ago. Flashback! My 18th birthday, April 18, 2005. I have never been more depressed than I am now. I’ve just come home from school and all I can think about it OMG! I don’t want to grow up. I’m not ready to be an adult. I have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life. I think that was the first time I had one of my little “nervous breakdowns”. Paulina walked in, my cousin who was visiting, and asked what was wrong. Bad idea. What followed was an emotional explosion of bottled up feelings, questions, insecurities, and fears. All of which were babbled incomprehensibly while I cried, no… wait, sobbed, gasped for breath, and laid on my bed. After such a firework of emotions, I was drained. I fell asleep in her arms and all I could remember her saying was, Kitzia, everything is going to work out. Trust me.
For reasons which I won’t go into now, I felt like my life was crashing down around me. Everyone I knew had plans. Plans for this, plans for that. And me? I was plan-less. I could barely tell up from down, much less figure out what in the world I was going to do once I walked up on that stage and was handed my diploma. The funny thing is, everything did work out. I never figured out what I was going to do, but I didn’t have to. I know that makes no sense. Let me explain. I soon realized, It didn’t matter what plans I made. I could make all the plans I wanted. It wouldn’t change things. The key was figuring out what plans He had for me, and then following those plans. The answer did come. As unconventional and illogical as it may have seemed at the time, He knew where to lead me. And thankfully, I was humble enough to say, Okay, I’ll follow.
Now back to the present. I’ve spent the last 6 months searching for my answer. I’ve tried so hard to listen. I’ve asked in every possible way I could think of. And nothing. Lately, I’ve been wondering why it is I haven’t receive anything. Not even a peep. Am I asking the wrong question? Did I somehow miss the answer? I’ve thought a lot about the metaphor of the radio. They say listening to the promptings of the holy ghost is like listening to the radio, you have to be tuned in to the right frequency, or else you wont get anything. It leaves me thinking, am I not tuned in to the right frequency? Or is he waiting to the very last moment, the way he did 5 years ago? Faith is not real until it is tried, i know that, but it feels as though mine is definitely being tried right now. The predominant voice inside me reminds me that there is no way my Heavenly Father would leave me to fend for myself, ever, especially now, which is such a critical moment in my life. But there is also a little voice, the one I try hard to shut out, that questions, why isn’t he answering you? Goodness gracious, I can already hear my dad saying, oh kitzia, where is your faith?
It’s right here! Being tried, tested and strengthened. Man, if my faith had a body, it’s be a freaking bodybuilder. So where does that leave me? It leave me right here. T minus 5 months. Tick, tock, tick, tock…
Line upon line... 